There are periods of time that can feel like an eternity and yet, feel like no time at all. They pass in a blink, a single blink that ushers in an entire lifetime of change, of goodness, of missteps, and of clarity. And there’s nothing like connecting the dots in reverse to remind you that all those moments spent anxious, spent worrying, spent full on freaking out were actually getting you to exactly and precisely where you need to be.
It’s my favorite thing about reflecting, actually. When we take time to look back, we actually prove to ourselves that nothing can kill us (unless it does). And that every day is worth fighting for and that most worries are not.
I’m always the first person to lay the real details down, because I think sharing highlights doesn’t really help anyone other than the ego of the person sharing. So when I looked at this circled date on the calendar of my 30th birthday, I felt nostalgic for a decade that formed me in more ways than I can possibly count…mainly formed through the hard stuff, through the tough calls, through the wrong turns. Most of my best decisions were born out of my worst ones. So here I give you…both.
- Accepting status quo. None of this is real – not the stories we’re told, the expectations we’re given, or the rules we’re asked to follow. I will rage for women until all my dying days because the patriarchy is one giant lie sold to us as truth.
- Taking a job that looked good on paper but my intuition said abort. In reality, I’d take the job 100 times over again and the miserable months that came with it to get to here. But it was a hard earned lesson to never ignore your intuition.
- Feeling good that someone trusted me enough to tell me something they shouldn’t have. Red flag!! Because as my mom always said, if they’re talking about someone else to you, they’re talking about you to someone else.
- Convincing myself that connected meant successful. Connected to email, connected to work, connected to the phone, connected to social. It’s the wrong path forward. Obsessive connection is a false blanket of hope that masks the real work: which is to honor what shows up from the depths of our awareness when we’re connected to nothing but ourself.
- Doubting the timing. Because when you doubt the timing, you’re doubting yourself. You will do things when you’re good and ready. The universe will send things when you’re meant to see them. You may not feel ready to start but should. You may not start but feel ready. Both are right. Because everything happens exactly as it’s supposed to. And really, none of us are ever ready.
- Expecting myself to fit into the mold. Screw the mold, and standards, and expectations, and shoulds. Being the most wildly expressed YOU is the birthplace of freedom.
- Forcing it. Forcing relationships. Forcing timing. Forcing myself. Forcing the work. Forcing anything to work. Life isn’t meant to be forced. Love isn’t meant to be forced. And it’s OK for things to occur with ease. Follow the ease (and I would have saved myself some major heartbreak).
- Operating from a place of lack. Like when you see someone’s success and doubt your own. When you see what they have and you obsess over your have nots. When you’re closed off and selfish instead of open and giving. There’s enough for everyone and everything to go around. The more you operate out of abundance the more bountiful everything in your life becomes.
- Assuming they didn’t want to talk about it. Whether it’s grief, hardship, obstacles, or awkwardness, show up for the people in your life even if they seem strong. Hold space for them. When they shut down, you show up.
- Isolating myself during my lows. Avoiding the people you love when you’re struggling will only dig you deeper into the hole of your hardship. Deep human connection is key to feeling, to blossoming, to remembering what you’re a part of and what you’re made of – LOVE.
I’m not sure there’s actually any such thing as a bad decision. Every thing in our life is a data point. Terrible becomes euphoric, eventually. Bad becomes good, eventually. The binary nature that we view our lives should be blurred, because everyone and everything we experience are just road signs leading us home.