I really hate not getting what I want. And I’m the queen of letting desire get in the way of intuitive knowing.
The amount of times I’ve known something was bad for me, but my brain decided I wanted it (for any number of reasons)…is countless. I’ve chased after big dreams that weren’t aligned but were desired. I’ve been laser focused on making strides that weren’t rooted in what really mattered. I’ve chased after men that sucked (and some that were great but sucked for me). I’ve gone after huge opportunities that I knew would look and sound good, but were completely off when it came down why I’m here.
Untangling the tentacles of desire is a complicated and difficult thing. The process will require you to learn the hard way. It will cause some blow ups in your life. It will break your heart. It will shake your confidence. It will make you wonder if you can even be trusted with what it is that you want. It will push you to edge, and when you get there, you’ll realize why you didn’t get what you wanted. No matter how badly you wanted it. No matter how hard you worked for it. No matter how much energy you gave it.
You’re not getting what you want, because you’re getting something better.
You’re not getting what you want, because you ignored the whispers.
You’re not getting what you want, because the right thing is coming.
You’re not getting what you want, because it was the only path to learn the lessons you needed to learn.
What you’ll find when you don’t get what you want is that when you stop your initial fighting, sulking, and wallowing in your own bullshit puddle of why not me, you have an opportunity to shed the stories you layered onto the situation you were gunning for – why it was right, why it was meant to be, why it was for you, why it would all work out perfectly, why your future depended on it – to see all the red flags that you sprayed neon pink. You’ll get to see the information that was there all along. You’ll get to remember the whispers you heard and ignored.
And when you see all of that, you remember that you CAN trust yourself. Because that soft and intuitive and wise you is always there. She’s always accessible. And you get to choose whether you listen to her or not.
Sometimes we let desire get in the way of that wisdom, which is OK. And eventually we’ll learn to let that centered and knowing voice lead, instead of shoving it back behind the megaphone of desire.