Why the f*ck do we call women ‘needy’?
I get so fired up when I hear someone describe a person that way. Partially, because for so long I’ve feared being described as needy in the same way I feared being called fat. Women get described as needy because the world wants women to take up as little space as possible: to not have needs. To not have desires. To not want anything. To be happy with what they have and where they’re at in the impossibly patriarchal world.
The woman who ISN’T needy is the one that goes along with the flow. The cool girl. The woman who just has it together and is happy with whatever is in front of her. The un-needy woman is the one who’s appreciative of what she does have and doesn’t strive for more: from the world, from her partner, from her friends. Her expectations are whatever is supposed to be expected of her. It’s what we’re all told to aspire to be. Don’t be needy.
It took me a very long time to unravel the power of that word over me. Especially in my romantic relationships. I thought if I asked for what I wanted: from how to be touched, to how he shows up, to how I needed support, to what communication I expected, to boundaries I needed, to the future I wanted. I thought that basically anything I wanted either would show up without me saying it (like fucking magic?? Because that means “they’re the one” right?) or I was needy for expressing those desires. It really came into conflict with the independent, self sufficient woman I viewed myself as. Because the world had told me for so long men don’t like needy women.
But the truth is so simple. You’re not needy. You’re a human with needs.
And those needs are so important to your experience of pleasure. In this week’s WOMAN ON episode with Jo Encarnacion, we went there. We talked about sex, and self pleasure, and why getting our needs fulfilled can feel challenging because social conditioning tells us not to have any. Vocalizing our needs in all areas of life is important to enjoying your relationships. And owning your needs are integral in getting the support that you need from the partner, people, friends, family, and relationships around you. We all have needs. That doesn’t make us needy. The more that we can stand in our own power and ask for the things that we need, the more that we create space not only for fulfillment to pour in, but for the space to be created for other women to have ownership of the desires they have for themselves, their relationships, and their lives.
For the love of god, PLEASE have needs. And watch our new WOMAN ON episode which is accompanied by a worksheet to explore your own relationship to asking for what you need. It’s a powerful reminder in standing in your power.
Woman on xx